October 18-19

I haven't done much the last couple of days.  I slept, alot, no surprise there.  I did leave the apartment a couple of times in order to get something to eat, but that was it.  I jsut didn't feel motivated to do anything.

What I did October 17th

I didn't make a post on the 17th, so I am doing it now, at almost 4AM on the 18th. I woke up at around 9AM.  I felt hungry and had an overwhelming urge to cook something.  I ended up cooking cubed beef and baked potatoes. Off course, this wasn't a typical breakfast dish, but I made it because I wanted something sturdy to eat and also because the cubed beef had been in the fridge for a couple of days, and I didn't want it to spoil. While I prepared the meal, Allie sat in her highchair, watching televison. When I finished, I woke up River, and the three of us ate in the living room while watching television. 

After eating, I felt tired, so I went back to bed at around 11AM.  I woke up once to fix a quick meal for Allie, but aside from that, I slept most of the day away.  River took care of Allie until he needed to get ready for work.  By that time, Allie had fallen asleep, so River put her into bed with me. She and I slept until a little after 6PM.  After we woke up, I prepared something for Allie to eat, and I ate the leftover food that had been prepared in the morning.  After that, Allie watched television and ran around the living room while I used the computer. 

A New Day

I woke up a little after 11 AM.    I didn't go to bed until 5AM, this morning.  I am at home with Allie.  River went to work. 

A Somewhat Typical Day

Today, I woke up at around 9AM.  I was really tired but I had to wake up in order to take care of my daughter, Allie.  I sat with Allie in the living room, and we watched television.  My boyfriend, River, had gone to the bank so it was just me and Allie, at home.  When River arrived back home, I wanted to stay up with him and Allie, but I felt way too tired.  I went back to bed at around 11 AM and fell asleep. River woke me up at noon because he wanted me to make lunch.  I had already promised him that I was going to make a pasta dish that he really likes, and I didn't want to go back on that promise.  I left the comfort of bed, and went into the kitchen to prepare lunch.  We ate lunch at the table, an activity that we don't do very often,  During the week, we don't really spend alot of quality time together because I usually sleep until late afternoon while River takes care of Allie and accomplishes things that he needs to do before he leaves for work in the evenings. I usually wake up while River is getting himself ready for work, so that I can look after Allie. Once River leaves for work, Allie and I are home together until River gets home close to midnight.

Why I started this blog

Hello, all.  I started this blog because I have been living with depression for the past three years.  Depression has deeply affected my life.  I have always been introverted and somewhat of a homebody, but I always had the energy to get little, seemingly trivial things accomplished. I miss the days when I could effortlessly take a walk, run errands, stop in at the library, or go to the cinema, without feeling drained and unmotivated.  People who do not have depression find it difficult to understand how different a person's life becomes when that person experiences long term depression.

Sleepless Nights

It's almost 2:30AM, and I can't sleep.  I spend so much time sleeping during the day that I am up pretty much all night and into the early morning. Over the last week, I went to bed at around 5AM almost every morning. The reason is because when I lay in bed, my mind races. I think about a lot of things that have happened to me and that I have done, mostly things of which I am not proud.  I know that I can't change the past, but it is definitely hard to move on from what's done.

Sleeping the Days Away

    All I really want to do is sleep.  I know that I have a baby to take care of and an apartment to keep in order, but all I want to do is sleep the days away so that I don't have to think about anything.  Once in a while, I wake up, early in the morning, and I feel ok.  I actually feel like I can make it through the day. But most days, it feels like a black cloud is hanging over my head.  I feel dazed and unable to concentrate on any one thing for very long. 
     Before my boyfriend goes to work, he asks me to clean up the apartment.  It's a reasonable request, but I just don't have the energy most of the time.  I just want to stay in bed.  He knows that I have depression and he has been understanding but I know that he gets frustrated with my lack of motivation, sometimes.